Week 13

Much of the unpleasantness of the early weeks is gone. Now, I just feel fat. I've gained 10 pounds, a bit much for 13 weeks, even for twins. But, I still fit into my old clothes. Not sure where all the weight is going, though I am starting to suspect that much of it is in my aching feet.

A little bit about "happiness":

People expect pregnant couples to automatically be elated. Some people are even insulted if you dither from that prescribed course. If you show your fear, if you express some hesitation (even though there's obviously no going back), you're a bad parent or you're an idiot for doing this in the first place. Let me tell you, if those people are parents, they are liars- of not to you, then to themselves. This is the most permanent thing two people can do together (other than murder someone). Mike and I have never done this before and I'm not going to apologize for saying out loud that I'm unsure how this will turn out and that makes me afraid. 

Anxiety is a normal part of pregnancy. If you spend nine months gestating another life without a hint of worry, you are willfully ignorant. Unfortunately, emotions like anxiety and fear can mask or muddy feelings of happiness or excitement. In some ways, being pregnant is like getting ready for the SAT. The ultimate goal is to get into a good college. But, in order to do that, you have to go through this hellish, ulcer-inducing process that pits you against unknown equations. You can read the books and take the classes, but it will be a long time until you can step back and say that you did the right thing and you made the right choices. 

What have I done?

I am certain that, early in every pregnancy, there is a moment when mom and dad must stop to ask themselves, "What have we done?", probably followed by, "Why did we do this?" I have finally reached that point. Mike had his moment very early on and then repeated it in the ultrasound room. My split second of regret hid deep inside, percolated, waited to catch me off guard. I just yesterday found myself staring at my bloated belly in the mirror, realizing that there are to people in there, thinking to myself, "What have I done?"

Ch-ch-ch-changes

I noticed today that my abdomen is changing. Not just getting bigger or pudgier. It's changing shape. My belly button is starting to push out and the area around it is swelling. I've put on about 5-6 pound so far. About right for twins. But, as a woman who has been a consistent size and shape for 15 years, it's very strange. I can see how women start to feel fat when they are pregnant, even if it's not really fat that they are gaining.