Away from A

We went to the beach this past weekend. Going out of towm whilst your baby is in the NICU begs this unnecessary comment from people: "You deserve it after all you've been through." I suppose people don't know what else to say, or maybe they think I feel guilty leaving him for a day and want to help erase that. But, I wonder, who doesn't deserve a trip to the beach, no matter what they have been through? It's an uncomplicated pleasure enjoyed by prince and peasant alike for as long as there has been leisure time. My response: "You deserve it too."

Still, being away from Alex causes a cramp in my heart.  Even when we are home, we are separated from him for most of the day. Mike and I talked about this problem and found that we had the same strange coping mechanism. The many hours apart makes Alex seem more like an idea than a baby. It's like before we got pregnant, when we would talk about our imaginary baby Nick Nak. Then that idea turned into my belly. Then that belly turned into Nick and Alex. Now there is just the idea of a baby named Alex who is only sometimes real.

However, the elusive (and addictive) mother-child bond became indelible on Friday. When we stopped at the hospital on our way to the shore, Alex's nurse made an offer I could not refuse: a first attempt at breast feeding. Non-nutrative sucking is what they call these preliminary attempts. A chance for Alex to get used to the process-- or, as we experienced it, to get the taste in his mouth that will turn him into an inconsolable two and a half pound vampire.

Again, nature and its perfectly designed mechanisms surprised me. Inches before the first nipple-mouth connection, he was agape and anticipatory. Only one thing prevented my miniature boy from engaging in an all-out feeding frenzy: his gavage (or feeding) tube which blocked entry to his mouth. I'm proud of the boy for nonetheless trying to extract something tangible. A mother at last, I could happily depart to the beach knowing that when I returned, Alex would know exactly who I am.