3 pounds

It's hard to believe that Alex was born six weeks ago and is 33 weeks post-conception today. Born at 2lbs 4oz, he's made tremendous progress, now clocking in at a whopping 3 lbs 1 oz and outgrowing the micro-preemie clothes I bought for him. We're hoping this week he can make two huge strides: getting off the nasal canulla that helps to keep air flowing when his premature nervous system forgets to make him breath, and to try to feed him with a bottle (he is currently fed through a feeding tube). I can't be that disappointed if he doesn't succeed at either goal, since he's not supposed to be born for another seven weeks.

There's been a lot that I've wanted to write about lately. Foremost is that I am feeling weary of this limbo. Though much of the stress of becoming a NICU parent has dissipated as Alex becomes more stable, another stress is taking its place. I feel like I should get a job, do something with my time to help out our bank account. But, in five weeks or so, I'll suddenly be the full-time caretaker of a baby I have watched grow inside a plexi-glass box like some kind of TV show. I often feel that I am not Alex's mother, but just a visitor in his complete hospital world. The excitement of seeing him evolve has started to take on a perverse  hue. With the nurse asking "Do you want to take him out for awhile?" followed by "We need to put him back in now," Alex is starting to seem more like a kitten in a pet store than my son.

Beneath the obvious identity confusion, I can sense a real crisis. I am 35, I just closed up my business in order to raise twins that did not materialize, and I need to figure out what to do with the rest of my life. Unanimously, people will respond with, "Raising you son." Duh. Of course raising Alex will be the focus of my life . But, I don't cease to be a three dimensional person with my own needs and aspirations simply because I have a child. In fact, failing to pursue my own goals will result in a total lack of respect from my son as he grows up feeling that his mom could have been something, but chose not to. Being a person your kid can respect is more important than telling him what's right and wrong.