Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Feeling Minnesota

The Twins. It's a funny name for a baseball team. Nothing scary or ferocious about that moniker. At best, it implies a talent for deception, or a duplicity in character. I wonder what their mascot is. No matter, it is not their year to be world fucking champions.

And the state- Minnesota.  Every time I look at a map of the US without the names of states written in, I'm always left with one hole, one block that I can't put a name to. That would be Minnesota. The blank state. The lost state. The empty home of twins who have failed to advance to the next level.

Today, I found myself spontaneously crying over our lost twin. I don't know. It is just so unfair that he isn't with us. Alex is about 7 pounds now. Had they been born this normal baby size, Nicholas surely would have survived. There's no point in thinking that way. But, you do. You can't help it.

I also realize that, with no family around to help, raising twins would have made me totally crazy. I don't know how people do it. Alex, with his need to be constantly strapped to my body, can be overwhelming. I get by most of the day with just one hand, a hand that should be tending to his brother. And though AO and I have made progress with breast feeding, he still eats mostly by bottled, pumped milk. I can't imagine doing that with two, all by myself, all day long. Nonetheless, I am terribly sad that I don't have that kind of day right now.
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2 comments:

  1. SaraOctober 15, 2009 at 2:36 AM

    I'm so sorry that you are so sad, but it's understandable. I don't really have any words that will make you feel any better, only to say that I am thinking of you and wishing you some peace. Today, 10/15, is incidentally infant remembrance day where we stop and remember the infants who are no longer with us.

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  2. BridgetOctober 16, 2009 at 6:31 PM

    Hi Kristine, tough we have never met. I have been following your family because your husband works with Jesse and Kelly and her husband. I am so sorry Nicholas is not here with you and his brother. I did want to comment because I too had preemies (they were 31 weeks and very sick) and longed for the day when nursing would not be a struggle and I would stop crying when it didn't work. Eventually my preemies did get the hang of it and continued to nurse until 18months old. Remember that it takes a full term baby about 4-6 weeks to get the hang of it so AO just may need some more time. I have breast fed three children now and delt with the "triple feeding". If I can be of any support please let me know. You can reach me through Jesse or Kelly.
    Bridget L.

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