Joey

There are specific activities that I imagined I would do every day with my baby when he finally came home from the hospital. We would take long strolls together on splendid autumn days. We would Kangaroo all the time. I would carry him in a sling every minute of the day to make up for all the time that we were separated. Most importantly, we would breast feed. It would be beautiful. But, like everything that has lead up to this point - twins, Nick's C-cam, a C-section at 26 weeks, twin loss - I shouldn't have expected anything at all.

Though we do go for strolls, they are not always peaceful and they have to be carefully timed in between meals, as Alex has a tendency to puke when sloshed about (who wouldn't?). I had no idea that Philly sidewalks were so terrible until I rolled my not-so-sleeping baby along them and then felt like a bad mom for putting him through such a rough ride.

Most of my day is in fact spent trying to get Alex to finish a bottle and then holding him still over my shoulder for an hour in an effort to keep that bottle down. It's tough to take care of my own needs, such as using the bathroom or eating, when I have a baby in one hand at all times. I've learned to do an amazing array of things with one hand. The sling thing is getting easier as Alex gets bigger and I can trust that his windpipe is not getting crushed. But, as with the stroller thing, puke prevents us from going out whenever I want.  It's clear that, for the next 18 years, nothing is going to happen when I want it to.

And breast feeding... as I've mentioned, it's really, really hard to get him to do it. So hard, I want to give up every time we try. It's more exhausting than washing all the bottles.

But, there's one thing that is exactly how I imagined it. Kangarooing. I had actually forgotten entirely about kangaroo care, the practice of holding your near naked baby skin-to-skin, until I read some helpful info today on how to improve the transition from the bottle to boob. A no-brainer, it was suggested that I kangaroo him more. We kangarooed a fair amount early on in the NICU, when he was tiny and fragile, and it was not an enjoyable time. But, as Alex got closer to discharge, it was so cold in the hospital and the staff was so paranoid about him keeping his body temperature that I stopped doing it just as it would have been most helpful. But, as I sit on the sofa with my usually irritable preemie fast asleep on my bare chest, I can't believe I let this get away from me for so long. Of course. Me and my Joey, relaxing together.